Every parent does things they never thought they would do BC (before children).

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I’ve heard many stories from mums of toddlers who Facebook on the toilet, live on cut off sandwich crusts, and ignore up to two extra inches of regrowth. But for me, that’s just scratching the surface.

There are certain things I can only do while my daughter is sleeping – and I’m not talking about cooking, cleaning or ‘cuddling’.

I’m talking about the weird and shameful stuff I’m driven to do out of desperation and fatigue.

So to my two year old, here is a list of things I should probably apologise for:

1. I brush your hair while you sleep. I know this sounds a bit ‘Silence Of the Lambs’, but apparently during the day each strand of your hair develops ultra sensitive nerve endings that cause you to feel pain at the mere sight of a hairbrush. So trust me when I say this is the only way you’ll leave the house without looking like Beaker from the Muppets.
2. I eat your reward chocolate. Heartless I know. But isn’t the reward system kind of backwards anyway? After all, I’m the one developing knee calluses on the toilet floor while singing bladder relaxation songs and trying to maintain a genuine excitement about poo. I want chocolate too damn it.
3. I hide your favourite book. While you might enjoy reading the same story about a food addicted caterpillar fifteen times in one day, I don’t. (Especially when said caterpillar is ruining perfectly good food by getting his germy bug saliva all over it). So once I know every word off by heart it’s time for that book to quietly disappear. Don’t worry, you’ll have a new favourite tomorrow and odds are I’ll like that choice even less.
4. I drink whiskey. None of this ‘one glass of wine’ crap. Nope, gimme the hard stuff. The “I have to find a way to survive another day of this” stuff. The stuff that can help Mummy forget about the Mt Fuji of laundry and vegemite smear on her forehead that has probably been there all day. (No wonder the lady at the checkout was eye balling me strangely).
5. I watch kids TV. OK this isn’t initially by choice. But it’s amazing how often I find myself immersed in an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine before I realise I’m the only one watching. And even when I realise, I still don’t change the channel. You might be able to sleep without knowing whether Thomas makes it to the Fat Controller in time, but that shit will haunt me. Plus it’s the perfect opportunity to scoff down some more of your chocolate.

C’mon parents – share some of your dirty little secrets so I don’t feel like I’m the only crazy Mum out here! Anyone? Anyone?

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