……as long as we leave the judgement behind
I have a controversial statement to make.
I enjoyed having a newborn. Enjoyed as in really, really loved it and can’t wait to have another one.
While I felt extremely tired and often emotional, I didn’t feel overwrought, lost or at my wits end.
I have experienced that feeling since though – what mother hasn’t – just not during the first few months of my babies’ lives.
Now I know some readers will already be rolling their eyes ready to accuse me of making mothers who find the newborn stage difficult, feel even more horrendous.
But as a mother who has experienced the extreme highs and lows of parenting and understands that all women and babies are different, I would never – ever –pass judgment on another mother, nor feel smug about my own mothering.
In fact, passing judgment is my least favourite aspect of our society’s new-found fascination with motherhood and how it’s being done, or rather should be done. But that’s another story.
All of our experiences at different stages in our children’s lives vary, from the extremely positive to the extremely negative.
But it seems to me that admitting to enjoying the newborn stage of parenthood, let alone that it was one of my most treasured periods is a bit of a no-no.
I assume that’s because it’s not a common favourite so professing your love for those days is presumed to make those who did find it difficult feel worse.
But it really shouldn’t. To me, sharing a happy moment simply demonstrates the extent to which motherhood pulls and tugs us in very different directions.
Many mothers have shared with me that the toddler years were their favourite, a welcome and happy relief from life with an infant. For me though, that wasn’t the case.
My first born was very strong willed and developed a lovely habit of screaming to an ear-piercing level at any given moment for very long periods of time. It was then that I experienced my own low points, my feelings of failure, wondering if I was as good a mother as I’d planned to be.
Yet, I have never really shared the joy I felt or the ease with which I experienced having a new born with anybody other than my mother for fear of being accused of being smug.
One of the best things about the raising of awareness regarding the difficulties of motherhood through forums, websites and increased dialogue is that mothers no longer feel alone in their distress. This is a very good thing.
One of the worst though is how quickly and how publicly we judge other mothers, their choices and their feelings, seemingly looking for the worst in their actions instead of the best.
Yes. I found caring for newborns enjoyable, despite relentless tiredness.
But I didn’t find breast-feeding easy. I was plagued with difficulties including recurring mastitis that lead to hospitalisation and the eventual advice to make the dreaded switch. A similar situation followed with my second baby despite my best efforts – in his case there simply wasn’t enough milk so I chose to switch to formula.
That was a huge blow for me at the time and I found it extremely difficult to accept, particularly the first time as I had very strong pro breastfeeding views prior to his birth.
Having watched my boys develop into healthy and strong toddlers and children, I’m now comfortable with the way things turned out, but to this day others still manage to make me feel crappy about it.
But not by women who say they found breastfeeding easy. To them I say “good on you! Brilliant news!”
I love hearing positive stories about all aspects of motherhood – and am genuinely happy when I hear about a positive breastfeeding experience.
It’s when those stories are used to look down on those whose experiences were less pleasant or whose choices were different that it becomes problematic.
One of my best girlfriends recently had a baby – I was overjoyed when I saw her breastfeeding her baby with ease. She enjoys breastfeeding, appears to be good at it and did so for a long time with her first bub. But not once have I heard her say a negative word about those who aren’t able to or choose not to breastfeed.
So when I say I loved the experience of caring for a newborn that’s just me wanting to share a positive experience from a journey that’s filled with highs and lows and everything in between.
I guess the point is all of our motherhood journeys are different, so are our choices. And that’s ok.
It’s also ok to share them – the ups and the downs - as long as we leave the judgment behind.
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May 22, 2013 at 7:20 pm,
So true. Motherhood can be really tough, but there are such wonderful highs. Everybody has different highs and lows, and we should not be judgemental of others because their experience does not match ours.
May 21, 2013 at 12:05 pm,
I’m really glad I read this Thanks for another fantastic article.
May 21, 2013 at 8:19 am,
Thanks Heidi,i enjoy reading others input and ideas also. I think it helps us understand the differences in us and society
May 20, 2013 at 6:36 pm,
I think Mouse said very similar things to what I would have to say. I agree with you whoheartedly Mouse, each of us has a different experience and should try and encourage and help others in areas they struggle with and seek their advice on areas we struggle with. I too love the idea of a non judgemental world. Lovely comment Mouse.
May 17, 2013 at 10:30 pm,
Each stage is different and at each stage challenges arrive but I really loved the newborn stage as well. At all stages there are great memories made. Each child is different as well which means not everyone necessarily goes through the same things.
May 12, 2013 at 4:39 pm,
such a good read and so true. Each of use value different parts of our parent hood. Some women give birth easily and some have such a hard time, And those that do it easily often try and encourage those who dont have it so easy. Love the idea of a non judgemental society and one filled with caring and sharing
May 11, 2013 at 5:03 pm,
Oh I LOVE this article. It’s so true that the positives and negatives vary at different stages and it’s extremely important to not judge. It’s so hurtful and unnecessary.
May 08, 2013 at 12:15 am,
So true. There is a lot of judgments on mums these days.
April 29, 2013 at 12:37 pm,
Here, here! There is so much judgement these days on all aspects of motherhood. Each to their own. I too and a newborn lover and found that time so easy with both my children. I am now not enjoying the toddler stage very much with my eldest. It’s hard, and frustrating and there are many days where I do not lead by example for her. But that’s life, and if it doesn’t kill me, it MUST make me stronger!
April 28, 2013 at 8:36 am,
Thankfully (with a lot of coaching from my awesome midwives), both bub and I took to breast feeding very q
quickly and easily.
April 28, 2013 at 8:34 am,
I LOVED having a newborn but not because it was easy coz it certainly wasn’t (having a silent reflux baby certainly isn’t easy). But I LOVED having a newborn because I felt SO blessed to be holding my little miracle in my arms – the baby I’d longed for for so long.
April 23, 2013 at 10:13 pm,
I think there is a difference between saying you enjoyed a certain stage and saying you thought it was easy. I think you can enjoy something without it necessarily being easy (which has to potential to be taken as boasting).
April 18, 2013 at 8:15 pm,
An interesting article and everyone is different so as long as you are happy with your choices, don’t worry about what anyone else is doing!
April 17, 2013 at 10:59 pm,
Thank you Nicole for sharing your positive story…. Its so refreshing to hear someone else say that there is nothing wrong with making something work for you that may not exactly ‘fit’ what is expected of motherhood.
My toddler makes me crazy, but i love it. And my infant is just such a bundle of adventure that its beautiful to watch.
Neither of my babies were breastfed beyond 4 weeks – due to supply issues, and I must say that the pressure to breastfeed from others was more draining then the the lack of sleep with a newborn. With my first I felt so guilty and was made to feel more guilty by some healthcare professionals. SO, with my second, my mnind set was very different – I told then not bother with the guilt trips, as i dont judge their decisions in life, and will I do what is best for my child, and do it with a smile on my face…. (I must say that this attitude shocked some, but it was my choice).
In my experience, when you stop feeling guilty about issues, or at least to some degree, stop caring about others negative attitudes towards your parenting decisions, it makes parenting a much more positive and stimulating experience. And as parents attitudes are often mirrored in children, a positive parental attitude makes for positive babies that lead to happier families.
April 13, 2013 at 2:24 am,
Newborn was my least favourite stage. I spent the first 6 weeks convinced my girl would break, i would stab her with a safety pin or break her arm trying to get her undressed. Thankfully none of the above happened. and if i listened to others i wasnt feeding her enough,didn’t dress her warmly enough and heaven forbid i had to argue with everybody about names. Aparently his family tradition is naming the bub after my mum then his mum. So she should have been called Felicity Ursula and as our surnames are hyphenated the last initials re C then K. Can anybody see anything wrong with those initials?