I’m the youngest child so yes, I’m used to getting what I want. And since becoming an adult, nothing has changed.

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So when a couple of kids popped out of my uterus and tried to disrupt the natural order of things, I had no other choice but to fight back.

Like most of Generation X, I am not a patient person. I have no idea how I resisted a homicidal rampage in the days of dial-up. And seriously Subway customers, can you have your order ready BEFORE you get to the front of the line? Your indecision about bread is costing me another trip to the dentist as I grind my teeth to dust while staring a hole in the back of your head.

If I thought meatball sub lovers were hard to tolerate, imagine the reaction I had to my daughter turning 2. Oh you need another cracker do you? And you have to yell at me across a room without time for a please or thankyou?

I forgive her. She’s young. She forgets that I’ve had 33 years of getting my way. And I’ve learned to do it without the foot stomping and yelling (mostly). So when it comes down to salty snack food, Mummy is not going to back down so easily. In fact it’s going to take you one neatly packed toy box AND a convincing ‘please’ to earn that cracker.

But for me, it’s not about teaching my toddler how to not be an absolute poohead – that’s just an added bonus. For me, it’s about showing her who wears the boss pants. That’s right munchkin – I am the one who passes go, collects $200 AND lands on Free Parking. The sooner my kids learn this, the sooner they can mortgage their properties and start paying me rent.

Here are just five ways I will always win:

1. You want another book before bed after I said ‘just one?’. Ahem…. No. You can have 12 songs, 2 toilet breaks, a drink of water and have fifty million teddies brought to your bed….but you’re not getting another book dammit.
2. You want the Peppa Pig dress instead of the one we just put on? Nu uh. I’ll take you to daycare naked if you keep taking it off. No really…I will. Oh you’d like that would you? Well…dammit. Here, wear this Peppa Pig shirt and pants instead.
3. iPad at dinner time? Not a chance. But here’s a TV and a choc milk to get you through the traumatic experience of eating your chicken nuggets. Mummy wins again.
4. You don’t like having your hair washed. Or cut. Or brushed. Or tied up. Or lightly touched. I get it. But your Mother is the master of manipulation and bribery – so here’s a lollipop. #MummyFTW
5. You want to buckle your own seat belt today do you? Well Mummy also wants to leave the house before dinnertime, so look a birdie!!! Now you’re buckled in, let’s go.

(OK so it may not seem like I’m actually ‘winning’, but in my head I’m a winner so that’s enough to keep me sane!)

How do you “win” in your house? Please SHARE in the comments below.

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