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I’m a single mum. What’s that? No, the kids don’t see much of their dad. But don’t let that influence your opinion of him. As a matter of fact, we don’t even know who he is. But that doesn’t matter.

What matters is that he is a kind, unselfish, thoughtful man.

How do I know that? Because he made it possible for me to have a family.

A life’s ambition

I always wanted to be a mother. I took it for granted that I would be married with kids one day; or at least, with kids. I had to have children. It was what I was here to do.

So when my thirtieth birthday arrived, still childless, I was a little disconcerted. True, I had not really wanted kids before then. I was having too much fun. Yes, if one had come along I would have been overjoyed, but I was glad to be free to live my life selfishly.

Not anymore.

Reasoning and reckoning

I’d intended to have my children by the age of 35 and I always wanted children. Not a child. I wanted the noisy, loving chaos of a big family, just as I had growing up as one of five. As a single parent, I knew that my children would need family connections to fulfil their sense of belonging, and what better connection to start with than a brother or sister?

It was time to act.



The options

Becoming a single mother in Australia is not impossible if you are fertile and have a couple of thousand dollars lying around. The regulations are different from state to state and even clinic to clinic. Some clinics still discriminate against single parents. Mine did not.

If you need help with fertility or finance, the story is not so sunny. IVF treatments will leave you around $8,000 out of pocket, depending on your insurance, and that’s for just one attempt (most people need several).

Adoption is even more problematic. If you’re single, it’s nearly impossible in Australia. There are just too many couples seeking and not enough babies to go around.

International adoption will set you back easily $20,000, and take months if not years. Also, you wouldn’t go home with a newborn.

My process

I had blood tests and scans. I only had one ovary (the other was removed during surgery to remove a massive cyst in my early twenties). My fertility specialist wasn’t concerned. I had as good a chance as anyone, she told me, about 15%. What? I thought in horror. OK, stay positive. “If you don’t conceive after four tries, we’ll look at IVF,” she continued. Well, that’s not going to happen, I thought, picturing my bank account.

I attended a counselling session. “Have you thought this through, do you have good support networks, will you cope when your teenage child says, ‘you’re so hopeless you couldn’t even get a man! I want to find my father and live with him! Blah, blah, teen angst!’” Yes, I replied. I am sure I will cop it. But then, I was an impossible teen myself, isn’t karma sweet?

When all the formalities were complete, my name went onto a waiting list and I went on with my life.

The miracle

Seven months later I got an email. Three donors were ready to go, I could choose. With great excitement my family and I poured over three A4, bullet-pointed sheets; age, height, weight, ethnicity, colouring, health, profession, education and a reason for donating: “To carry on my DNA,” read one entry. “To help someone to have a family,” read the winner. This one had excellent health and my mind was made up. On with the show!

Daily blood tests followed. When follicles were about to burst forth with eggs, I went into the clinic, lay down on the bed and, as a friend of mine elegantly put it, the nurse came in with the turkey baster. Then I lay there staring at the ceiling for fifteen minutes before hopping down and heading back to work.

Two interminable weeks of waiting followed. I glumly confessed to my sister that I didn’t think it had worked. I experienced spotting and was certain my period was on its way.

Except it wasn’t. By some miracle, against all the odds, I was pregnant with my first child, my now-three year old daughter.

Everyone was amazed when they heard I had conceived on my very first try. The stunned silence on the end of the phone when I first told my mother the news was hilarious. It didn’t take her long to jump on the expectant-granny bandwagon, though.

Open Book

Once my daughter was born, I advised the clinic for their records. They also agreed to hold some sperm for me if I wanted subsequent children, which I did. I got hold of the official Donor Registry documents so that I could add my daughter’s name in, for other related parties to see. That way, if the father or any other of his biological offspring wanted to find out about her existence, they could.

I have not yet put her name (or her brother’s name) into this register. I’ve decided to wait until they are older. At the age of 16, they can decide for themselves. If they are like me, they will want to know everything they can about their origins, so I hope for their sake that the father, that kind, altruistic gentleman, has added some details for them. That is the only legal way my children will ever know their father.

It’s a big step to take on your own. But I know my children will be confident enough to live in this new world of unique family types. We will build our normal together.

Has anyone else been through this and like to share your experience? Please share in the comments below.

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  • Is it moral to purposefully stop a child from having a father?

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  • You are so brave! I find so hard to discuss topics like with other people because everyone is so opinionated and judgmental… I am very happy for you to have got all the way to the end of the journey.

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  • This is beautiful! I haven’t been through this personally, but watched a friend go through the process. She now has 2 kids to the same sperm donor. It’s amazing that people can start a family solo if they want.

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  • I see many people support this. I have two comments:
    1 – what if a man wanted to be a single father from an egg donor?
    2 – it does take a male and a female to raise children.

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  • I have a. Donor baby of my own. She is my little miracle after being told I couldn’t have kids. Best decision I ever made and I have no regrets. My daughter is so well loved and has met her half brother once.

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  • I have 3 donor babies on my own and currently trying for number 4. I have no regrets and my boys are happy, healthy and loved. It isn’t always easy but I dont think having a second parent would miraculously make everything easy. My clinic has been wonderful right from the beginning. I had 1 donor to choose from unless I wanted to wait for more to be available. The donor had everything I was looking for so I went with him and I must say he has helped me have 3 beautiful, crazy, funny, loving boys. I wouldn’t change anything. Goodluck to all who choose to go down the same path as me, I don’t think you will ever regret it.

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  • Do what’s best for your family! Excellent article

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  • a very interesting read. I will be sharing this information with a good friend when her divorce is finalised.

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  • Well done to women who choose this – I believe they are very strong

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  • My sister recently got out of an abusive relationship.
    All she wants is to be married and have babies. But I think she wants the babies more than the man. I’m going to pass this on to her.

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  • Its better to do it on your own rather then get tangled up with a second rate partner who would be a shitty parent anyway.

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  • Every respect to a parent that makes this hard decision.
    It is what is best for them

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  • Every parent needs to do what is best for their situation/family.

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  • This is so amazing, I guess there are lot of people out there who will find this information super useful. Ofcourse, not everybody has so much money in their pocket but where there is a will there is a way!!

    Reply

  • I’ve often thought that this might be an option for my sister. She absolutely adores kids and would love a big family! The cost is just too much for her.

    Reply

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