Ok everyone, my just turned 4yo is highly demanding. She is a middle child and she will whine and whinge all day. It’s tearibg us all apart and has turned me in to a very grumpy mum. I try to talk and reason with her. She will just steam at me and get louder and louder. If I don’t give her what she wants the tantrum can go on for over half an hour. I honestly can’t explain how bad she is. Please help!!!!


Posted by mom196906, 28th July 2018


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  • It can be very wearing. Ignore as much as you can and go about your day talking brightly about anything and everything
    Pretty soon they will get over it
    But I know you have to be in a strong positive mood to carry this one off !



  • Sometimes giving them an option can help. So they aren’t just being told no and it still feels like they are getting something they want.



  • Toddlers just want to be independent and make their own choices. My 4 year old was/is the same. I knew I was giving into her demands in the short term I was not having to deal with the issue but once I realised that It wasn’t fair for her to have anything she wanted just by screaming, and my older child did as she was told (mostly), I have become more proactive about not giving in to her.. I choose my battles more carefully and only say no when I mean it.
    It’s a habit at this point I suggest you YouTube live on purpose TV, He has so much great advice



  • Try to ignore your child as getting your attention when whinging and whining.Talk in general to everyone about anything! It is taking the attention away from the behaviour. But also praise good things she does. It is like a reward system. My oldest son was always getting into trouble til teacher put him on reward card, if he was good that day got a star on card to bring home an show me, He loved the stars and the attention from te teacher and me. It is hard but if behaviour is good or bad and you respond positive or negative it is a response and some children need this extra attention so might as well be for god reason. Hope this gives you some ideas that help



  • Not so long ago I had an 8yr old girl in foster care who had in the beginning on average 4 tantrums a day lasting a hour each !
    All I can recommend is ignore it as much as possible, don’t give it any attention, but do give her attention when it stops and she behaves positive. Be consequent and never give her her way when showing this behaviour.



  • If you find a solution, let me know haha. For now we try and limit attention to the whinging. Answer her the first time and then after that you can remind her once that she knows the answer and you won’t be paying any more attention to the whinging. On the other hand though, you really need to pay extra attention when she’s not whinging so she really gets to love the feeling of that attention for communicating without whinging.



  • my daughter is exactly the same I found placing her in time out and firmly telling her that what she is doing is unacceptable worked



  • Sorry to hear your going through this



  • I have a 4 yr old girl and i cant say she is a middle child or know what you are going through but at times she can be quite demanding. I find sometimes its cruel to be kind. Stay strong and dont give in. Persistence what is needed. Not sure how long it would take, but hang in there and dont give in to her.



  • By the sound of this it has been going on for sometime. Difficult habit to break, but it is a habit and she has got attention she craves (for the wrong reasons). So it is maybe time or her to ignored when bad episodes but praised when she is being good. I know ignoring er maybe difficult but try and talk to other kids and ignore her or send her too her room as youresssure her thatr you LOVE her but not her behaviour. At this age it is hard to talk it through with a 4 year old.. But think if you can keep your calm , also do not know if you are all (in family) talking about her behaviour only adds to attention she is getting. Hope this helps all the best



  • With mine I noticed behaviour regression around 4/5 as well. I think they’re stuck between not being toddlers but not big kids yet either and the frustration comes out. Whinging is torture! With all of mine, I ignore tantrums and speak to them when calm. When they escalate I ignore more. But the minute they started calming down I went to them, hugged them and spoke about what was going on. Sometimes too it’s good to give them a hug when they’re in a tantrum as it could be total overwhelm and not able to soothe themselves. Bigger picture I’m a big fan of finding each child’s currency – what works for them that they respond to for behaviour. One of mine couldn’t care less about treats or trips out to park or tv – most of the usual things. But she loves books and reading. So when she was constantly whinging and not using her ‘talking voice’ I implimneed a no book for every minute she whinged. This worked quickly. She lost a minute of book time for every minute she whinged or threw a tantrum and didn’t use her words. My other two were the common things like toys, trampoline time, treats etc. good luck. If you feel it’s more intense than other 4 year olds I’d recommend seeing your GP for some other ideas. But I always remembered that sometimes they’re just overwhelmed and haven’t yet learnt how to handle emotions. Our job is to teach them how and a hug and calming can soothe them very quickly. More for major tantrums as I know Even tho this is incredibly hard when it comes to constant whinging!



  • I am going through this with my 5yo at the moment but he’s in school and having these melt downs both there and home so I am changing his diet and taking more time to try and teach him how to calm himself.



  • If it is really troubling you perhaps speak to a doctor or specialist?



  • You mention that she is a middle child, which tells me that you have other children, and also that you’ve been through this age before and come out the other side. You’re doing great! Really, it’s fine, you’re doing a fantastic job.
    I guess if I had any advice though I’d suggest giving her some extra special grown up high responsibility jobs. Maybe she does just feel like ‘the middle child’ too much, maybe an ‘important job’ just for her might make her feel more grown up and maybe act more grown up. Use your imagination, something that seems big to her but is something you can live with, like she’s the only one that you can trust to carry your favourite mug to the sink (just get a random one that you have no attachment to haha) Sometimes they act more grown up if they think they’re being treated more grown up.



  • I Would give them lots of snacks to divert the attention so they can stop whinging


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