This is my story…..

I’m a 41 year old, full time working Mum of 2 boys aged 14 and 10. As a family, when we separated, my former husband and I decided it would be in the best interests of our children not to be part of ‘shared care’ arrangement, ie 50/50 custody. I elected to move interstate where I could afford to give the boys a better life. We moved to a small country town and life has never been better. The boys see their Dad every 6 weeks or so and pretty much every holidays as well has have a skype dinner together every Wednesday where they catch up on life.

We couldn’t move forward

The three of us have settled into a very happy life and my ex-husband and I have moved our relationship to a new level. We as a couple early in our marriage made a pact if we ever divorced, it wouldn’t matter why, we would love one another and be kind, no matter how hard things got. It got hard. Especially when we both started seeing other people but couldn’t seem to let each other go, either physically or emotionally. This is in essence what truly prompted me to move away. I felt neither of us would truly move forward whilst we still leant so heavily on one another and couldn’t seem to stay out of bed.

For over 2 years I’ve had a part time relationship with a wonderful man (who just happens to be my ex-husband). What we have is a solid friendship and when we happen to be in the same place, we are very much a loving couple. It works and neither is tied to one another if we happen to meet someone else.

But Then I Got Pregnant….

During a visit in January, I became pregnant. I was on the pill and was shocked to say the least, given our ages and the fact that our contraceptive of choice had been effective for over 2 years. Without hesitation, I knew I was not in any position to have another child. Forget the finanical aspect – braces on teeth and sons in sports and life in general but emotionally. Emotionally I was unable to even comprehend what another child would do to my heart.

I made the swift decision to terminate and my partner was beyond supportive. I think had I said I wanted the baby he would have been equally supportive although we would never have chosen to be a traditional family and raise a child together (we live 6 hours apart) he would have been there for me finanically and emotionally without question. But as it is, I terminated the pregnancy and life has gone back to normal.

The Big Taboo

The sad thing about this whole situation was the taboo and conflict I felt with telling people. As it turned out I only told 3 people including my partner and I’m sad to say that one of those 3 was less supportive than I expected. I had expected that they would not only understand but would be there for me, physically to pick me up after the procedure.

This was not the case. My friend, my very good friend told me that she could play no part in a termination as it went against every fibre of her being. I said I understood and I told her not to worry, I would ask another friend to accompany me. I didn’t ask the father as to be honest, I wanted to deal with it on my own in the end. Somehow sitting as a couple, mature age in particular, I felt we may be judged for deciding that a child just did not fit in with our plans for the future, either as a unit or singles.

Do Not Judge Me!

Many will no doubt say I’m selfish and judge me. I’m a Christian and when I meet my maker I have no doubt He will not be judging me on this decision. But many here, in this realm, will feel it’s their duty, their right, their place to tell me what a terrible person I am to have terminated the pregnancy. Irrespective of the reasons behind my decision.

I wanted to tell my story, perhaps to help others to feel OK about not wanting more children, to help them to see they aren’t alone and that sometimes these are just decisons that should not leave us guilt ridden, ashamed or saddened.

In fact, the decision itself and the procedure has left me feeling anything but guilt ridden or sad but the fear of persecution and judgement, I’m sad to say has indeed left me with such feelings.

I don’t hold any ill will towards my friend for her decision, I’m grateful we are close enough that she could be honest with me on not wanting to be a part of it but I do wonder, if the tables were turned, if she had walked even a single step in my shoes if she would have thought differently. I haven’t asked and I won’t. No need. It’s impossible to ask someone to empathise on that sort of level and our friendship is intact and that is what matters to me.

But I will close with this simple statement, we are all here, just trying to do the best we can and instead of tearing each other down with judgement and criticism, can we not just say, it’s ok. It’s your decision. It’s your life.

If you can’t be there for a friend because of your personal beliefs, I hope you can handle it as gracefully as my friend did. Otherwise just hold their hand and say, I’m here. Because most times, that’s all we really need at the end of the day.


Posted anonymously, 14th July 2018


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  • Thanks so much for your honesty thanks so much for your honesty. Although I haven’t been through an abortion myself, i believe it’s a personal decision and I don’t judge anyone. I hope your story helps others out there who may be struggling with a similar theme, or helps others not to judge.

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  • A friend of mine had one when she was a young adult as she could not financially afford a baby and also she could not trust her boyfriend at the time . it turned out he was a total jerk anyway and cheated on her later on . This was my first experience in having a friend experience something so personal and I supported her because I totally believe at the time she did the right thing , and he was totally wrong for her . I think your friend just had her own opinions and her beliefs so it seems sad that at least she can’t understand your side of things . Yet how many people do we hear who have kids for the sake of having them and can’t look after their own children . People will judge you regardless what you do so it is hard to please everyone . Its good it worked out for you in the long run and for making a brave decision that is not easy .

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  • Abortion is such a personal decision and a very hard one for most women. I’m all for choice for women concerning abortion. The only times I don’t agree is when a woman repeatedly gets pregnant and aborts, try contraception love! Or ones who abort for selective reasons, they don’t want a boy, they’ll get too fat, it’ll interrupt their social life. These are selfish choices

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  • I don’t have anything to add but just want to say good for you on being strong and making the decisions you have

    Reply


  • A friend terminated and I supported her (I’ve never aborted;. Two other close friends that had terminated earlier pregnancies where so awful to her… telling her that she would regret it etc . I was shocked ‘ people that live in glass houses’

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  • I hear you loud and clear chicky!
    No one should be judgemental as they don’t understand what u r going thru personally. People who judge have problems themselves and that’s why they think they can judge others. U r already a great mum so u must be very proud. Hope you are coping well x

    Reply


  • Sorry you had a hard time with your friend over this.

    Reply


  • Thank you for articulating words women struggle to say. Thank you for your courage and compassion for sharing with us your story.

    Reply


  • i like reading these stories

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  • You have articulated so gracefully how I\’m sure so many women feel. I have terminated a pregnancy and I know it was, at that time in my life, the right thing to do. However, even when the topic comes up, I can\’t speak of it to anyone I am that fearful of judgement. if only more people were supportive of the choices we make I feel the world would be a much healthier and friendly place.

    Reply


  • Thank you for your honesty. A hugely hard and brave decision to make, I know. I trust you will continue to find support.

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  • I really appreciate your honesty and I\’m sorry that you were not surrounded by more caring friends.
    I personally don\’t believe in abortion for myself, but would never judge anyone else for their choices. I would have been there by your side to support you regardless.
    I think it\’s sad that our world has become so black and white. As a registered nurse I have had to care for people that don\’t deserve to be cared for, as some would say, but it\’s not my judgement.
    I hope in writing this it helps others to be more supportive of one another.

    Reply


  • I believe it is your body and you can do whatever you want with it
    I’ve had two abortions, only because I felt my bf and ex bf and I were not ready for kids
    At age 20 and 21

    Reply


  • Thank you for sharing your story. Some People are to quick to judge about so many things. I’m sorry your friend wasn’t there for you.

    Reply


  • I do think this is one of the hardest decisions people have to make – and few people take it lightly.

    Reply

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