Mum shares honest post about the not so nice side affects of child birth.

**WARNING: This post contains waaaay too much information**

Laura Mazza shares a nasty side affect she experience after the birth of her new baby boy and third child, James Alessandro.

“While I was in hospital for the ejection Of the womb raider, I was asked constantly if I had passed gas. “Have you passed gas?…” “any wind down below?” “You farted yet love?” My answer was always no. I mean if you knew the smells I could produce you wouldn’t say this is a bad thing, but according to hospital staff, it was. I don’t know why, I never asked. Not even when the doctor informed me because I hadn’t tooted from my brown fruity, I would be restricted to a clear liquid diet.

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YA JOKING ME? After one meal of broth that tasted like dirty water, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it so I tried so hard to let a Gary Busey out but my stomach muscles failed me. I couldn’t even cough to save my life let alone do any anal audio.

The next day I had a younger nurse who I promptly told “I can’t fart.”… “oh” she said “you haven’t moved your bowels?” And I thought well I’m pretty sure they’re in the same place I left them but you know all this hype about me letting the kaboose loose is making me think I should rearrange them. “No, and I can’t drink another broth soup so can I get anything to take?”

So she gave me the sweetest liquid and two pills to get me going.

Somewhere between 3am and 5am I let out a butt salute, it was so loud and hard it vibrated my cheeks and woke me up. I immediately pressed the buzzer and told them what I had done. It didn’t stink, it was actually very unimpressive considering the sound it made. It was as unimpressed as the nurses face who hadn’t read my chart and couldn’t care less that I booty belched.

My diet went back to the good stuff, jelly and custard etc but my bowels didn’t follow through with the pills I had taken, instead they just gave me previews of what was to come. The Ronda rouseys came hard and fast for the next 12 hours. They got smellier and smellier. I knew that every time a nurse came into my room they were punched in the face with the smell, which I actually blamed on the baby. Yes a newborn baby. I was desperate. I even had one nurse sympathetically say “oh yeah they can really be smelly”… we both knew who was really responsible for the tear gas steamers. But bless her soul she tried to make me feel better.

It wasn’t until 12am one night that they got really violent. I couldn’t even move the covers without knocking myself out. I had, had enough, and I wanted more of that sweet pooping nectar that helped get me going earlier. I told the nurse that I still couldn’t poop and I needed some assistance. She came back with some strong stuff and told me I would definitely poop tomorrow.

This nurse was a wonderful nurse, every hour that the baby cried she rushed in. Every time she rushed in I had just completed a trouser trumpet. Each smellier than the last. I told her the baby must be unsettled because of a stomach ache… she knew it was me doing the Baryshnikov-ing but humoured me anyway. I told her I’d be fine if the baby cries and she didn’t have to come in again, “nonsense!” She had said “you just had a cesarean, make the most of it.”

Around 2-3am I was happily nursing my baby (lies, my face was scrunched up like I sucked a lemon and I was dying from the baby piranha sucking the soul out of my nips) when my stomach started growling. There was a thunder storm in my colon and cyclone borborygmus was on its way and it was going to be explosive.

I tried to unlatch the little gremlin but he immediately stared crying. Eager not to have the nurse return to my aid I popped him back on. The grumbling got louder and the pains did ensue. I was about to shit my pants and although all dignity was lost when I gave birth, I did not want an audience when I was giving birth to the devils discharge.

I tried again to dislodge the angry koala’s leach like suck on my breasts when he once again let out a squeal. “Do you want to get us both killed?” I tried to hush him and stuck him back on.

I knew what I had to do, what I said I never would do. I had to bring him to the toilet and I had to take a shit while feeding him. No funniness, no smart arse words here. You don’t shit where you eat! Everyone knows that. But alas, I was gonna breastfeed and take a shit and there was nothing I could do. So I ran to the toilet and pretty sure I split my c section incision I was that quick in there and lucky I was as quick as the flash too, because it came out like a wrecking ball. I miley Cyrus’d all over that bowl and let out a four days of jelly and custard and disgusting broth. It kept going too, just when I thought it was done it would come back with more, but I got through it, and my crotch fruit? Well he had no idea and just kept sucking the life out of me happily.

I finally finished and flushed about 50 times and knew I had to put the baby down, even if he cried, so I could quickly scrub myself and the toilet to rid of all traces of numero due so when the nurse came back in she wouldn’t know about my secret shame.

I opened the door feeling 10 pounds lighter and who should be standing there, but nurse Elizabeth. My attentive friend, who smiled at me and said “oh I’ll take the baby so you can wash your hands, looks like all that farting eventually led to something! You must feel great!”

“Amazing…” I replied.

This post originally appeared on Laura Mazza – Mum on the Run Facebook page.

 She is not alone!

Constance Hall also shared that she was suffering with constipation as a side affect of breast feeding her new baby boy, Raja.

“It’s breast feeding, it isn’t giving birth or the pain relief pills, it’s breast feeding.

It dehydrates you to the point of mass constipation. And that constipation lead to a serious problem in the toilet. The kind of problem that left my kids asking if I was ok as I squealed and reached for a non existent gas machine, but no pain relief was coming.

And now… like the prison scene in American History Ex I cant sit down. I’m struggling to walk…

I’ve got suppositories and prune juice and drank 17 glasses of water.

Such glamorous stuff motherhood.

Keep me in your prayers.”

I remember suffering BAD during my pregnancy. It was horrid!

Did you suffer this annoying side affect at all?

Share your comments below

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  • I remember being constipated during pregnancy then the pre birth hormones get things moving and the day before I went into labour I think everything I’d eaten for the last nine and a half months just fell out of me. Arse like a Japanese flag!
    Then my sister gave me great advice for the post birth poo. Don’t rush it. Its the same as giving birth. It will happen and the more you fear it the worse it will be. But it will come out whether you want it to or not so just let it happen.

    Reply


  • now that is a way with words! A hilarious story we all suffered from at some point

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  • she sure knows how to write a hilarious story.

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  • I had no issues with this. I had some haemorrhoids at one stage but didn’t really notice them

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  • Yes but it was all under control

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  • Constipation yes – but managed it naturally.


    • There are lots of natural ways to get everything moving!

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  • LOl, she has some humor !
    I remember after my first Caesarian I had to go to the toilet in no time. The nurses wanted me to stay in bed and didn’t believe me as it was to quick after the section they said, I couldn’t have bowel movements yet. I had to ask them to please leave me alone, as I wasn’t able to poo in their presence. They reluctantly did, come on ! Seems i was one of the lucky ones.

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  • Oh so funny… yet so painful!! I am feeling very lucky now that I didn’t encounter any of those problems after giving birth.

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  • Ha ha the way this lady said her story had me in stitches

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  • I remember being asked if I had passed gas so many times. Who would have thought a fart could be so exciting…lol

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  • Luckily this was one thing I didn’t have to deal with.

    Reply

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